2018 Power Rankings-Bowl Week
Introduction Last week I saw "Mary, Queen of Scots." Incredible costumes. Saoirse Ronan was simply delightful. Margot Robbie dressed up as ugly for the role and she pulled it off, proving she has more range than anyone in Hollywood. But I digress. It was the story of a queen fighting for the respect of her kingdom, while all around her men of power tried to wed and bed her so that they could usurp her power. She was cunning, but ultimately couldn't overcome being a woman in a man's world. She never did gain the respect of her people, even though she was smarter and a better leader than all the men in the high court. Good thing that was in the olden days and women today don't have to worry about that. Completely unrelated, Sweet Dee has become the first woman to make it to the Glory Bowl. I have to wonder, did Chantel marry Nate to suck his playoff powers from him? It's no secret that Nate's life force seems to have been all but extinguished this season. Once the league's premiere shit talker, he's mostly acted like the guy in the closet during cuck videos on Pornhub. I don't want to say that there might be some dark magic going on, but Chantel did make a comment about meditating with her crystals during our matchup. Is that cosmic steroids? The jury is out, but for now I say we play it safe and give her as little credit as possible. Speaking of not giving anyone any deserved credit, how about Chris, huh? Fucking Pain Train, man. Drops a 270-point shit right on Pat's head for the second year in a a row in the playoffs, notching a fourth straight victory over his rival and making it to his second Glory Bowl in the process. But do you think anyone is going to respect his spot in the final game? "He got lucky." In 2012, Pain Train was the league's #4 scorer and finished 7th in the regular season. He got unlucky. In 2013, Pain Train fell victim to the first of Shotti's four playoff runs. But their runnerup team was absolutely legendary. The Johnson Trio remains one of the greatest fantasy lineups ever in the LOC. Calvin Johnson, Chris Johnson, and Andre Johnson combined for over 1,000 points. Leading the way was Peyton Manning during his record shattering 55-TD season. In addition to the Johnsons, Pain Train had two other 1,000 yard receivers in Anquan Boldin and Jordy Nelson, and a Carolina defense that finished with 60 sacks and 30 turnovers. But he lost to Shotti. He got unlucky. To start this season, Pain Train had his premiere keeper tear an ACL in preseason. He got unlucky. Fantasy is a game of luck and unluck. It's an assembly of men that none of us have any control over. They run plays designed by people we don't ever consult with, on teams that don't care or know about our own. Emmanuel Sanders broke his leg in practice last week. Did GBM get unlucky? Or did Chantel get lucky? Both. It's the name of the game. Get lucky, you win. Get unlucky, you lose. That's fantasy sports. You give yourself the highest possible probability of success and you watch your machine crank until the final whistle, hoping it's produced enough points to keep you alive. Lucky or unlucky, two talented managers who have struggled their way back to league relevance will fight for the 2018 Eternal Cup of Glory in Glory Bowl VIII this week. A Christmas gift of a first time champ is in store for us all come Dec. 25th. Who will it be? Festival Semifinals Recap In a surprise that no one should have been surprised about, the two best teams (on paper) got spanked in the semifinals. One team suffered an absolute collapse on Thursday night, while another was sparked by a performance from a guy no one had ever heard of. The rest was basically history. (1) Garoppoblow Me vs. (6) Sweet Dee Last season, GBM came in as the 6-seed and lost to the 1-seed. This year, the opposite. Because of course. GBM has now lost four straight semifinals, a new record. their performance has been atrocious in the playoffs. Thursday night was all that anyone needed to see to know that it was Sweet Dee's week. Damien Williams (one of five Williams on the field Thursday night, somehow) went off. Touch after touch, it was becoming clear that Sweet Dee had it this week and GBM would not. I know the feeling all too well by now. On Saturday, it was DeAndre Hopkins, obtained earlier this season from Pain Train, who dealt another strong blow to Blow Me. Before any of his players saw the field, GBM was down almost 100 points. But as Sunday droned on, it seemed things were actually setting up for GBM to have a chance on Monday night with Thomas and Kamara. The problem was he benched Wilson and Edwards, two guys who did far better than their starting counterparts (Goff and Hamilton). So he needed 80. Sweet Dee got work out of Todd Gurley. Andrew Luck was once again a disappointment, but in sucking he actually managed to keep GBM's Eric Ebron under 3 points. That was offset by a slow day for Vance McDonald. Westbrook took a kickoff to the house, but that was offset by the special team TD points that GBM got for starting JAX. Lindsay only scored 10.50, but JuJu only scored 9.20. Ultimately, it was the 53.80 from Hopkins and 35.33 from Williams. The joke GBM made weeks ago is the gift that keeps on giving. "Browns4You should bench their win so they don't have to face Pat." Bill Belichick calls a timeout with 1 second left in week 13. With that one second, Brady completes a 40+ yard pass to James White that gives B4Y the 10 points he needs to beat The Shotti Bunch. Shotti misses playoffs and Sweet Dee gets in. Instead of facing Paddock 9, GBM faces Sweet Dee. Paddock 9 scores less than GBM, meaning if Belichick had just let the game go to halftime three weeks ago than GBM would be in the Glory Bowl. HA HA HA. This is the second year in a row that a week 13 win by a playoff team scrambled the playoff seeding in a way that cost GBM their only path to the championship. (2) Pain Train WOO WOO vs. (5) Paddock 9 Thursday night was a collapse the likes of which I have never seen. Paddock 9 had Mahomes, Tyreek Hill, and Keenan Allen. Oh, and a kicker, Badgley. All fucking season this guy has been actually putting thought into his kickers. When is this guy going to fucking learn? You can't just start kickers on good offenses. Which offenses stall in the redzone? Which defenses get good stops close to the goal line, forcing FGs? Which teams are in domes? Which teams are at high altitude? Whose long snapper is hurt? There are too many variables. But enough about Pat's poor decision making, it didn't matter. Allen, his star receiver, gets hurt diving for a ball that he didn't even catch. He finishes with 0, out of a 24.82 projection. Mahomes falls 12 below his projection. Tyreek Hill scores 9.33 on a 25.35 projection. And Badgley scores 11 under as well. So P9 lost over 50 points off his projected total in one game. Woof! Barkley was another let down. All season he has pulled the same shit: 20 carries for 30 yards, then 1 carry for 80 and a touch. Great statline, all things said and done. But what happens when he doesn't get that big breakout run? He finishes with 14 attempts for 31 yards and 11.58 fantasy points. Buzz, your girlfriend! Woof! Throw in Cooks underperforming, LAR, Diggs and Michel, and you end with one of your worst games of the season. It looked like Pain Train was handed a gift. All he had to do was show up. But hoping to be doubt-proof, Pain Train put on a clinic. 29 from Adams, 14.40 from Boyd in just the first half before injury, 38.58 from McCaffrey on MNF to put the icing on the cake. 43 from Mixon (obtained in trade), 21 from Howard (obtained in trade), and 34 from Jeffery (who I joked about being through at the beginning of the season). His defense did great too, 31 points from Minnesota. On his bench? A 34.60 points game from Foster. He would have nearly broken 300 if he'd started him instead of Shepard, the one blemish on his otherwise flawless roster. Pain Train scores their 69th game over 200 (nice) and joins four other teams on the list of 10+ 200+ point performances in the postseason. Paddock 9 is now the only time who has played more than two seasons in the LOC and not made it to a Glory Bowl. Seasons with At Least One Postseason Victory (Playoffs/Consolation Games Combined) Thanks to their victory in week 14, Paddock 9 remains the only team that has won a postseason game in all eight seasons. Sweet Dee, meanwhile, joins him as the only other team in the league that has won at least one postseason game every season they have been active in the league (2013-2018 for SD). Bell of da Ball can join that short list with a win in the Million Dollar Game, while GBM and MMMS look to get at least one win this season to salvage their crumbling reputations. All-Time Semifinals Performances Great top-five performance for Pain Train, while P9 has a bottom-ten performance and GBM scores under 203.78 for the fourth straight year. Fucking fuck. The 2018 Cinco De Lose-O I don't think we need to spend much time on this one, folks. Just one of the worst games of fantasy football ever played in this league. You think I'm being dramatic? No, I'm being serious. Worst Scoring Performances of All-Time Papa puts up the lowest ever score for a team in the Festival of Champions, the second-lowest ever postseason score, and the 6th lowest score EVER, regular season and postseason combined. Worst Scoring Performances of All-Time by a Winning Team in the Postseason Browns4You scored the lowest score ever for a winning team in the Festival of Champions, the third lowest score ever for a winning team in the postseason and the 12th lowest score for a winning team, regular season and postseason combined. Postseason records: Updated Festival of Champions Records At 4-9, GBM becomes the losingest playoff participant ever. Their 3-6 record ties them with Browns4You with the most losses in the main bracket, while their three straight Salty Dolphin Bowl losses bolster their loss column in the overall playoff standings. P9, meanwhile, is helped mightily by his three Cinco De Lose-O victories, but he is still a putrid 1-4 in the main bracket and that makes him second to last behind his ex-girlfriend out of everyone who has ever played in the playoffs. At 3-1, Sweet Dee passes Shotti for the best winning percentage in the playoffs (including 5th place games). They are 2-1 in the main tournament bracket, which is good enough for 8th on the list. If they win this week they will move up to an insane 3rd on that list! Imagine that? Eight seasons in this league and only two teams have won more than 3 playoff games. Updated Consolation Tournament Records It’s actually starting to look very bad for MMMS. They now have 6 losses in the consolation tournament. That’s two more than the next losingest team, RIPDab. With their first ever consolation tournament win, Shotti became the second team to 70 combined wins and is fastest to do so (just 107 games). With their loss, Bell of da Ball is the 2nd fastest team to reach 20 losses. Bowl Games by Team GBM has the unique distinction of being the only team to ever play in all five of the Bowl games. Top Three Finishes by Team (Through Week 15) Draft Order Selections by Year For the fifth year in a row we will have a different winner of the Heart and Soul Bowl, the most balanced bowl game in all of the land. With each of the last four first overall picks making the playoffs this year, we will also have a new first overall draft position for the fifth year in a row. Bowl Week Previews Last season, Sweet Dee played in the Million Dollar Game and narrowly avoided finishing in last place. This year, they play for first. What a turnaround for this franchise. The Million Dollar Game (8) ma ma momma said (4-10) vs. (10) Bell of da Ball (3-11) Bell of da Ball comes into this game with a 2012 Million Dollar Game victory to their name. Momma, on the other hand, has lost this game twice already (2011, 2016). Both of these teams sold parts of their team for draft picks in 2019, so it's no wonder they have landed here. Both have to do a better job with their keeper selections next season (i.e. maybe Stafford wasn't the best choice, and maybe Ball should actually try to keep keepers). The Million Dollar Game (2011-Present) The Heart and Soul Bowl (7) The Shotti Bunch (7-7) vs. (9) RIPDab (4-10) This is just too good to be true. Like Batman and the Joker, these two complete each other. It's only fitting that these two teams face in the postseason for a ridiculous fourth year in a row. It's a ridiculous 12th game in the last 4 years. They go from Glory Bowl players to Heart and Soul Bowl players, with Shotti seemingly in playoff form after a resurgent week 15 performance against Bell of da Ball. This might be the cruelest move the Fantasy Gods have pulled yet against RIPDab as part of the Even-Year Curse. The winner of this game gets to choose the order of the first four picks in 2019 and I'm sure both of these teams would love to try and get an early advantage over the other. The Heart and Soul Bowl (2011-Present) The Salty Dolphin Bowl (1) Garoppoblow Me (10-4) vs. (5) Paddock 9 (8-7) This game is extra salty this season. The Salty Blow Me Bowl, as it deserves to be called, has been a staple of so many GBM seasons. It just feels right or me to lose this game yet again. But P9 is in trouble, as Keenan Allen doesn't appear to be ready to go for the Chargers. And GBM is due for a huge game. It's an empty victory, but Paddock 9 is the Consolation King. Taking him down and getting at least one postseason victory will be a big boost for GBM, who is really hating life at the moment. If GBM defeats P9 this week than all six playoff teams will have improved their finishes from last season. The Salty Dolphin Bowl (2011-Present) Glory Bowl VIII Anyone else see this one coming? Pain Train vs. Sweet Dee for the title. These two teams are evenly matched to the extreme. They finished the season within 12 points of each other (PT 2805.49 to 2816.41 SD) and their current projection is PT 230.53 to SD 228.82. Here are all 13 scores for each team and how they stack up, ranked highest to lowest. Game Comparisons (Ranked High to Low) If you matched up their scores top to bottom like this, the record between the two would be 9-4 in favor of Pain Train, with two of the lowest scores coming in the first three weeks for PT. PT has not scored below 200 since week 9, while Sweet Dee scored below 200 in her last loss, week 13. Glory Bowl Championship (2011-Present) Consecutive Winners One franchise has won consecutive Glory Bowls *The Shotti Bunch (Glory Bowls V, VI, and VII) Glory Bowl Appearances by Team Glory Bowl Margins of Victory Team Playoff Seeds to Make Glory Bowl Dee is just the 2nd 6-seed to ever make the playoffs. The last 6-seed to do it, managed in the 12-team era and was 7-6. The last time they were in the Glory Bowl, Pain Train was upset as the 2 seed. So the last upset was against Pain Train, and the last 6-seed to make it won...And no team has ever lost a Glory Bowl after defeating either RIPDab or GBM in the playoffs? Hm. Point Totals by Glory Bowl Teams Game Preview *QB **Pain Train: Kirk Cousins - Kirky hasn't exaclty been lights out and he only put up 15 to Detroit earlier this season. **Sweet Dee: Andrew Luck - The keeper everyone is talking about, but two sub-20 performances in the last three games has to have DEE nervous for ths one. Luck has a huge 38-point projection this week against the Giants, who have been playing better defense of late. **ADVANTAGE: SWEET DEE *WR **Pain Train: D.Adams/A.Jeffrey/J.Reynolds: The WR group here is not the bread and butter of this Pain Train team, though Jeffrey and Adams really showed up last week. While Adams is out of playoff contention and might let up on the gas a bit, Jefrey and Reynolds are very much still fighting for their teams. Reynolds is an interesting start, as he hasn't done a whole lot this season, but obviously the team is taking a huge hit by losing Tyler Boyd. **Sweet Dee: D.Hopkins/J.Smith-Schuster/L.Fitzgerald/T.Lockett: A very strong WR corp that did not performa up to snuff last week. This week, the matchups are better but still not great. Hopkins came over in a trade from Pain Train earlier this year, making his performance one to really keep an eye on. JuJu had a slow game against NE, who is good at taking away whichever weapon they choose. Now it's New Orlean's turn. Their defense played insane against Carolina. Larry Fitz has been average at best this year, but he could be playing his last game at home in Arizona. Does he have one more great moment in him? **ADVANTAGE: SWEET DEE *RB **Pain Train: J.Mixon/C.McCaffery/J.Howard/K.Ballage: This is where Pain Train's work this season really shows. Two players acquired via trade and one off free agency, the RB corp is a patchwork of star players brought together for one purpose: championship glory. Mixon came over in the Hopkins trade, so again, great matchup to watch here. Howard he got by trading a value-less Amari Cooper, who has since become a star for the Cowboys. **Sweet Dee: T.Gurley/D.Williams/J.Wilson: While PT relies on his RBs, DEE relies on her WR's, which is why this is a thin, worrisome group. Wilson's value diminishes when Breida is on the field, and we're hoping to catch lightning in a bottle twice for Williams this week against a stout Seattle defense. But, when you have Todd Gurley... **ADVANTAGE: PAIN TRAIN (but again, Todd Gurley so it's close) *Tight End **Pain Train: Travis Kelce: Obtaining Kelce from Bell of da Ball is another instance of pulling off a big deal and helping the team. As many as three other franchises were after Kelce that afternoon (per sources) and he sealed the deal. **Sweet Dee: Vance McDonald: Not a premiere TE but certainly a guy who sees looks throughout the entire game, especially down near the goalline. You can't discount his value to the Steelers, but he's only had a game over 10 points twice since week 6. He could be due, or he could be a dud. **ADVANTAGE: PAIN TRAIN *K/D **Pain Train: Mason Crosby/Minn Defense: Much like SD, Pain Train has paired their QB with their defense. It's an interesting combo, not quite up there with the QB/WR pairing, but close. They get a great matchup against the Lions this week. **Sweet Dee: Justin Tucker/Indy Defense: With Andrew Luck "struggling" these last few weeks, it's been Indy defense that has stepped up. They have to play the Giants, who are unpredictable and probably getting Odell back. **ADVANTAGE: PAIN TRAIN *OVERVIEW **Pain Train: At the beginning of this season, no one expected PT to end up here. His team was bad, I'm not going to try and dance around it. They were scoring in the 160's and they were just trash. But they had unhealthy guys that healed up (Jeffrey) and they worked incredible trades (obtaining Mixon, Howard, Kelce) and they worked the waiver wire efficiantely. The pieces that worked, he knew to keep (Cousins, McCaffrey, Adams) and the pieces that didn't he offloaded. He might be the league's heel at the moment (that's a villain for the uninitiated), but his performance in December has proven that he belongs here just as much as anyone. **Sweet Dee: The run to Glory Bowl VIII started in 2017, when they took Andrew Luck and left him on the IR spot for the entire year in order to qualify him for a late round keeper. They were then handed the first pick, which they used on Todd Gurley. Those two mark the foundations for an offense that has the potentian to go off every week, but that often sputtered during the regular season. A key trade for DeAndre Hopkins and a move to pick up Damien Williams sent this team to the biggest game of the year and if they can get in sync for this one week, they will walk away a champion. Earlier this season, I posted a chart showing Sweet Dee in first place through 2 weeks. It showed that two other teams had finished 2nd, while the rest finished 4th-7th and none had won the Glory Bowl. If Sweet Dee wins, it will mark the 7th time in 8 seasons that an LOC champion defeated either GBM or RIP in the playoffs on their way to their win. The only time it didnt happen was in 2014, when neither RIP nor GBM made the playoffs.